I hit my girlfriend today and feel like shit.
We were having an argument and she went too far. She made a comment along the lines of "your loser father couldn't keep a relationship together and you can't either!". When I was around 6 or 7, my parents got divorced and fought for custody. My mom wanted me and my sister because she genuinely loved us. My dad wanted us just to spite my mom. She won, and my dad kinda lost it over the years.
This was too far for me. I have never, EVER hit a girl before, but it happened so fast I didn't even know I did it.
Basically, I cocked my fist back, and flew it straight into her nose. I thought it would be like the movies where she would get a little trickle of blood. It wasn't. Her nose EXPLODED. I think I must have broken a bunch of cartilage or something because blood shot out of both her nostrils, got all over me, got all over the floor. She staggered backwards, hit her head hard enough on the wall to leave a dent, and slumped down.
We were both stunned for about 10 seconds before she started crying hysterically and ran into my room and locked the door. So I went to wash my hands, and while I was in the bathroom I heard her run out of the house and take off in her car. That was about 5 hours ago so I guess she didn't go to the cops or anything. So later I went home and broke down in tears.. My mom came in the room and when she heard about the story she got scared and said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in bel air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and had dice in the mirror if anything i can say that this cab was rare but i thought "nah forget it yo homes to bel air!" I pulled up to the house for about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cab yo homes smell ya later, looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of bel air.
:P
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Mic Check 1 2 3
What do you do when you come across something you know you can't have?
Do you keep pressing on, because nothing is impossible? The sky's the limit they say, so shoot for the man on the moon. Who cares that people give you those disapproving looks. It feels good to be selfish. Take, take, take. Better yet, just grab! Eventually you'll make the right catch.
Do you settle for the next best thing, because we can't all be superstars? What does it mean to have reality slap you in the face? SLAAAAP!! So many people, so many talents, leave them alone so they can pursue their dreams. Don't get thrown under the bus, you might as well hang on for the ride. New faces, new places. Find your place, create your face.
Do you mope, because just thinking about it makes you depressed? It feels good to cry. The tears streaming down your face. Choking back your sobs so no one else hears you. Falling asleep within your blurred reflections. There's a serenity that puts your whole life back into perspective.
Do you keep pressing on, because nothing is impossible? The sky's the limit they say, so shoot for the man on the moon. Who cares that people give you those disapproving looks. It feels good to be selfish. Take, take, take. Better yet, just grab! Eventually you'll make the right catch.
Do you settle for the next best thing, because we can't all be superstars? What does it mean to have reality slap you in the face? SLAAAAP!! So many people, so many talents, leave them alone so they can pursue their dreams. Don't get thrown under the bus, you might as well hang on for the ride. New faces, new places. Find your place, create your face.
Do you mope, because just thinking about it makes you depressed? It feels good to cry. The tears streaming down your face. Choking back your sobs so no one else hears you. Falling asleep within your blurred reflections. There's a serenity that puts your whole life back into perspective.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Let the rain fall down.
Went on a boat trip off of Laguna Beach. Transects, flippers, spit in goggles, weighing anchor, clipboards, dramamine, dolphins, sea lions, bait balls. It felt gooOoOooOod.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Leaves of Grass
We two boys together clinging,
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going-- North and South excursions making,
Power enjoying-- elbows stretching-- fingers clutching,
Arm'd and fearless-- eating, drinking, sleeping, loving.
--Walt Whitman
Oh, and someone broke into our house today!!!
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going-- North and South excursions making,
Power enjoying-- elbows stretching-- fingers clutching,
Arm'd and fearless-- eating, drinking, sleeping, loving.
--Walt Whitman
Oh, and someone broke into our house today!!!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Meleagris gallopavo
I am thankful for...
... family & friends.
... bicycle rides in the evening.
... hot showers in the morning.
... all the junk food I could eat if I wanted to.
... being home for the holidays.
... boba.
... my laptop that hasn't failed me yet.
... cute animals.
... less than cute animals.
... thank-you cards.
... free dance lessons.
... country music.
... not having to pay rent.
... clunky cellphones.
... being carded.
... handwriting.
... a warm place to sleep.
... popsicles.
... freedoms.
... MTV.
... Bravo.
... Disney.
... home-cooked meals.
... the ability to love and be loved.
... people who love me just the way I am.
And the list goes on..
... family & friends.
... bicycle rides in the evening.
... hot showers in the morning.
... all the junk food I could eat if I wanted to.
... being home for the holidays.
... boba.
... my laptop that hasn't failed me yet.
... cute animals.
... less than cute animals.
... thank-you cards.
... free dance lessons.
... country music.
... not having to pay rent.
... clunky cellphones.
... being carded.
... handwriting.
... a warm place to sleep.
... popsicles.
... freedoms.
... MTV.
... Bravo.
... Disney.
... home-cooked meals.
... the ability to love and be loved.
... people who love me just the way I am.
And the list goes on..
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Post-Election Stress
It was historic.
Obama is inspiring.
America is poised to rebuild its image worldwide.
We are optimistic for great change.
The excitement is still everywhere...
But on a separate battleground, the principles of equality that stand as the cornerstone of our nation have been shaken. Living in the 21st century, I take pride in the knowledge that discrimination has become an evil of the past, or at the very least, the current social taboo. Our society makes an effort to look beyond race, sex, age, etc. because to allow those factors alone to deny opportunities is wrong. It gets complicated to be sure, but parity is our living creed.
So why does California now stand with discriminatory language written into its Constitution? Why is a group of people being singled out under the law? The attempt (and sadly, success) to amend the Constitution so that something, by default, was no longer unconstitutional is frightening. Also puzzling are arguments that refer to religious texts as authority, to which I ask what happened to the separation of church and state?
But civil rights movements achieve the greater success because their goals are undeniably just. Women's suffrage is so fundamentally ingrained among our generation. "Separate but equal" was an egregious policy that we cannot imagine being implemented today. And how many of us today would frown upon an interracial marriage? It requires time for the landscape of the human consciousness to change. Time, however, is a passive agent. People make the difference. So when 5 million Californians voted against injustice, their voices reflected not a defeat but a growing passion for equality. That is what makes me proud, and that is what still excites me.
GObama! Go California! Go humanity!
Obama is inspiring.
America is poised to rebuild its image worldwide.
We are optimistic for great change.
The excitement is still everywhere...
But on a separate battleground, the principles of equality that stand as the cornerstone of our nation have been shaken. Living in the 21st century, I take pride in the knowledge that discrimination has become an evil of the past, or at the very least, the current social taboo. Our society makes an effort to look beyond race, sex, age, etc. because to allow those factors alone to deny opportunities is wrong. It gets complicated to be sure, but parity is our living creed.
So why does California now stand with discriminatory language written into its Constitution? Why is a group of people being singled out under the law? The attempt (and sadly, success) to amend the Constitution so that something, by default, was no longer unconstitutional is frightening. Also puzzling are arguments that refer to religious texts as authority, to which I ask what happened to the separation of church and state?
But civil rights movements achieve the greater success because their goals are undeniably just. Women's suffrage is so fundamentally ingrained among our generation. "Separate but equal" was an egregious policy that we cannot imagine being implemented today. And how many of us today would frown upon an interracial marriage? It requires time for the landscape of the human consciousness to change. Time, however, is a passive agent. People make the difference. So when 5 million Californians voted against injustice, their voices reflected not a defeat but a growing passion for equality. That is what makes me proud, and that is what still excites me.
GObama! Go California! Go humanity!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Splat!
Today I saw a car swerve to its left to avoid hitting a pedestrian. It was a red light for the pedestrian. Now I'm afraid that I will hit a reckless pedestrian. Now pedestrian is a weird word. Sorry for this pedestrian entry xD
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Skinny Jeans
The most I've ever weighed was 115 lbs. Normally, I'm somewhere around 111. This past week, I jumped all the way to 119.5 lbs. OMG.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
A.C.
So, yesterday was a pretty fun day. I visited my friend Sandra up in Glendale. We walked around the Glendale Galleria and the surrounding shops, and I even learned about a dazzling store called Ed Hardy. Too shiny for me. We also ventured into Gilly Hicks, one of A&F's cousins the skinny saleslady told us. The store's layout was gorgeous and felt like some upscale studio. There were bras and panties of every possible shade, too. Uhh.. why am I talking about this?! Moving on.. There was an old-fashioned trolley that twisted its way around the plaza, but the conductor refused us service. Haha, because the trolley was on break. Then we had crepes; I had a raspberry chicken one, and it's too bad I don't remember the name of the vendor because it was delectable.
But, I had to eat it while driving on the way to the CBS studio. There, we waited outside, sitting on benches, face-to-face with future studio audience friends. It was a re-creation of the walk-of-shame of the Rocky dining hall, with all eyes focused on you as you made your way down the aisle. After an hour?? they finally ushered us in.
So there we sat, watching a taping for MTV's Top Pop Group. The set-up was just like ABDC, except with singers and different judges. Overall, it was just all right. I don't think this show will be as huge of a sensation.
The highlight was seeing Mario Lopez, the host of the show, in person. When he's not chatting with the performers on stage, he's in different locations around the audience. Luckily, we were sitting right next to one of those platforms. He's so pretty.
We also saw Chris Elwood. We couldn't figure out who he was at the time and he was just part of the stage crew, but he looked so familiar. Sandra thought he was in Jacka**. I thought he was on Punk'd. After the show, we went up to him, and he told us that he was an actor, and that he was on the first season of Punk'd. Yay! I win! And then when I got home and looked him up, I found out that he was one of Jeff's fired assistants on Flipping Out! So that's where I've seen him too. He also looks like Josh Duhamel, so I was even more confused.
But now I have a wristband competition with Sandra that I'm going to win. The challenge is to see who can keep his/hers on the longest. I'm not going to lose!!!!
But, I had to eat it while driving on the way to the CBS studio. There, we waited outside, sitting on benches, face-to-face with future studio audience friends. It was a re-creation of the walk-of-shame of the Rocky dining hall, with all eyes focused on you as you made your way down the aisle. After an hour?? they finally ushered us in.
So there we sat, watching a taping for MTV's Top Pop Group. The set-up was just like ABDC, except with singers and different judges. Overall, it was just all right. I don't think this show will be as huge of a sensation.
The highlight was seeing Mario Lopez, the host of the show, in person. When he's not chatting with the performers on stage, he's in different locations around the audience. Luckily, we were sitting right next to one of those platforms. He's so pretty.
We also saw Chris Elwood. We couldn't figure out who he was at the time and he was just part of the stage crew, but he looked so familiar. Sandra thought he was in Jacka**. I thought he was on Punk'd. After the show, we went up to him, and he told us that he was an actor, and that he was on the first season of Punk'd. Yay! I win! And then when I got home and looked him up, I found out that he was one of Jeff's fired assistants on Flipping Out! So that's where I've seen him too. He also looks like Josh Duhamel, so I was even more confused.
But now I have a wristband competition with Sandra that I'm going to win. The challenge is to see who can keep his/hers on the longest. I'm not going to lose!!!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Day 3: Fullertons
Today my site location was Cal State Fullerton, where my sister is actually enrolled as a freshman. It seems that I'm showing up way too early for these things, because I'm always the first one there. I suppose I anticipate heavy traffic each morning, so I make an effort to leave super early.
I strolled around campus for a bit, observing the college folk and the frats and sororities encouraging new faces to rush. I was even sitting at an empty bench when a young lady with a camera approached me to do a video interview regarding 9/11. I simply told her I wasn't a student. After finding my team, we went through more training and roleplay. Afterwards, we headed to the student union to check in, but the administrator there had the scheduling all messed up. It turns out that we didn't have permission to set up a table today. So after I got all excited about meeting all these college students, we had to switch locations.
Soooo.. we moved to Fullerton College just a few minutes away. After the disappointing past two days, I was ecstatic when I managed to sign up two new members!
But that wasn't the best part. As I was chatting with a student, someone approached me out of nowhere... and it was Reca!!! It's been four years since I've seen her, and even though I was still on the job, I didn't care and just spent a good chunk of time chatting and catching up with her. As we departed, we hugged each other, but I didn't notice my supervisor/team leader looking on. We don't normally hug the people we encounter, so I'm sure he was thinking I was wasting precious time not doing my job.
Despite all my efforts of throwing myself out there, waving people down, hollering for their attention, I didn't meet the quota that all new trainees were supposed to meet by the third day. As disappointing as it should have been, it was a great opportunity to reconsider my skills and how I'm choosing to apply my energies. Because I fell short, I wasn't technically allowed to make it onto the staff. And because we had the scheduling mix-up today, I was granted an extra hour to make up that last part of the requirement on Wednesday.
But deep down inside, I knew that trying so hard to make the staff was only going to make me even more miserable. Even with the job secured, I was only going to complain every day that I came home. So tonight, I had a chat with my team leader, and realizing that canvassing isn't one of my strengths, I'm going to pursue other things within our organization, but I won't find out about what those are until the next general meeting Wednesday night.
In summary, I'm no longer forcing myself to abandon my personality and happiness. I'm still "working" for Greenpeace, but hopefully in a manner wherein I can be of greater service.
I strolled around campus for a bit, observing the college folk and the frats and sororities encouraging new faces to rush. I was even sitting at an empty bench when a young lady with a camera approached me to do a video interview regarding 9/11. I simply told her I wasn't a student. After finding my team, we went through more training and roleplay. Afterwards, we headed to the student union to check in, but the administrator there had the scheduling all messed up. It turns out that we didn't have permission to set up a table today. So after I got all excited about meeting all these college students, we had to switch locations.
Soooo.. we moved to Fullerton College just a few minutes away. After the disappointing past two days, I was ecstatic when I managed to sign up two new members!
But that wasn't the best part. As I was chatting with a student, someone approached me out of nowhere... and it was Reca!!! It's been four years since I've seen her, and even though I was still on the job, I didn't care and just spent a good chunk of time chatting and catching up with her. As we departed, we hugged each other, but I didn't notice my supervisor/team leader looking on. We don't normally hug the people we encounter, so I'm sure he was thinking I was wasting precious time not doing my job.
Despite all my efforts of throwing myself out there, waving people down, hollering for their attention, I didn't meet the quota that all new trainees were supposed to meet by the third day. As disappointing as it should have been, it was a great opportunity to reconsider my skills and how I'm choosing to apply my energies. Because I fell short, I wasn't technically allowed to make it onto the staff. And because we had the scheduling mix-up today, I was granted an extra hour to make up that last part of the requirement on Wednesday.
But deep down inside, I knew that trying so hard to make the staff was only going to make me even more miserable. Even with the job secured, I was only going to complain every day that I came home. So tonight, I had a chat with my team leader, and realizing that canvassing isn't one of my strengths, I'm going to pursue other things within our organization, but I won't find out about what those are until the next general meeting Wednesday night.
In summary, I'm no longer forcing myself to abandon my personality and happiness. I'm still "working" for Greenpeace, but hopefully in a manner wherein I can be of greater service.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Day 2: Seal Beach
2nd day, just as miserable. breezy... but not easy and beautiful.
Those of you who've spent enough time with me know that I hardly speak, it's just my nature. Now picture me walking up to complete strangers and engaging in conversations with them about environmental issues. 7 hours of talking, pretty much non-stop. Then there's the art of persuasion, which I suck at.
I'm trying to be somebody I'm not, and it's frustrating. Common sense and intuition tells me that this ain't the right job for me, but I don't know what to do now. I'm still in the training period, so evaluations are coming up soon. I have no idea whether they'll still keep me, whether they'll want to fire me, or whether I'll want to quit. The last two options are where I'm headed...
I'm very persistent and I don't give up. But I just wonder if forcing myself to be so outspoken is the right thing to do. I'm certainly not as happy as I used to be.
Ugh, and my nose is starting to peel after Friday's sunburn :(
Those of you who've spent enough time with me know that I hardly speak, it's just my nature. Now picture me walking up to complete strangers and engaging in conversations with them about environmental issues. 7 hours of talking, pretty much non-stop. Then there's the art of persuasion, which I suck at.
I'm trying to be somebody I'm not, and it's frustrating. Common sense and intuition tells me that this ain't the right job for me, but I don't know what to do now. I'm still in the training period, so evaluations are coming up soon. I have no idea whether they'll still keep me, whether they'll want to fire me, or whether I'll want to quit. The last two options are where I'm headed...
I'm very persistent and I don't give up. But I just wonder if forcing myself to be so outspoken is the right thing to do. I'm certainly not as happy as I used to be.
Ugh, and my nose is starting to peel after Friday's sunburn :(
Friday, September 5, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Take a Deep Breath
Skype is so wonderful!
I just caught up with a good friend, and it was fun times. A lot less problematic than Stickam, even with Stickam's multi-user capabilities. (whatever happened to the nerdfighters?! dftba *tear*)
Plus... there are rainbows and unicorns when you install it.
In other news, I feel like the ultimate ninja because I managed to trap a huge roach last night. It thought it was all sneaky lurking in the shadows, scurrying across the lighted areas of the hallway. Then just as it took a breather next to the pane of my door, it decided to bolt into my room! but i wasn't going to let it, and I slammed some random glass bowl over it. The creepy thing was stunned, and then it began to run in circles. And then it got tired. And then I placed my heavy science books on top of the bowl. And then I went to bed. And then I took care of it this morning. Now I just have to vacuum all the poop it left behind. Ewwww.
OMG! This just reminded me of freshman year, when a mouse had trespassed into one of our bedrooms. I trapped it with a trash can, but the poor thing was startled to death!!!!! But I am not a killer!!!
I just caught up with a good friend, and it was fun times. A lot less problematic than Stickam, even with Stickam's multi-user capabilities. (whatever happened to the nerdfighters?! dftba *tear*)
Plus... there are rainbows and unicorns when you install it.
In other news, I feel like the ultimate ninja because I managed to trap a huge roach last night. It thought it was all sneaky lurking in the shadows, scurrying across the lighted areas of the hallway. Then just as it took a breather next to the pane of my door, it decided to bolt into my room! but i wasn't going to let it, and I slammed some random glass bowl over it. The creepy thing was stunned, and then it began to run in circles. And then it got tired. And then I placed my heavy science books on top of the bowl. And then I went to bed. And then I took care of it this morning. Now I just have to vacuum all the poop it left behind. Ewwww.
OMG! This just reminded me of freshman year, when a mouse had trespassed into one of our bedrooms. I trapped it with a trash can, but the poor thing was startled to death!!!!! But I am not a killer!!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Before the Sun Rises
EDIT: why am I so good at being emo?
It's that time of the month again, when all my insecurities resurface and I feel like having a crying marathon. What do I do? I'm slowly revealing more of my personality to my friends, trying to regain the happiness in life, but in the process I only look at myself with greater disgust. New highs ushering in deeper lows.
I feel like a failure in every way.
No one can convince me otherwise. I'll just nod and smile.
I know I shouldn't put this out here, as it has become apparent that soooo many of you secretly read this, but I've had too many thoughts about putting the period at the end of my sentence. But always, always, always... I think of my mom, her love and her sacrifices, and I just can't. I love her too much. Wow, a deluge of tears just trying to write this.
Right now, I'm in no condition to share my life with someone new, as much as my heart wants to. I thought I loved myself again, but I'm not so sure anymore. I also don't need to be dragging anyone else down with me. Would you be better off without me?
I'm forever unemployed. How can I possibly present myself to an employer when I feel unqualified and undesirable for everything? Can I just go back to working at Cold Stone's, where I can at least start paying back a small portion of my student loans, or would that be the newest low for my Ivy league degree? I'd love to show up at Reunions with that one.
And goshhhh people, stop asking if I'm going to be a doctor. I'm never going to be, and why must you all keep using that as a measure of my success?
What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?
Even dance, the one thing that has kept me sane, is starting to lose its luster. Why I'm still pursuing it is beyond me.
And now, someone from my painful past is talking to me again. Why now? Why 11 months later after making me feel like the worst person in the world, when I had no one else to turn to, when answers never came and they still haven't??
Maybe I deserve all of this because my entire childhood has been picture perfect. Sure, I never had a father around, but my mother more than compensated for that. I was the model son, student, person. I never had enemies. I was ridiculously happy. Maybe no one deserves such a good life. Or maybe I just never learned how to deal with the unhappy because I never encountered it.
So.
Well.
I don't know what else to say. Everyone has problems, why don't I just fix them you're probably thinking... 'oh boo hoo'... 'you whine too much'... 'that's a losing attitude.'
If any other Princetonian feels the same way I do, I would love to meet you. Or do I already know you?
It's that time of the month again, when all my insecurities resurface and I feel like having a crying marathon. What do I do? I'm slowly revealing more of my personality to my friends, trying to regain the happiness in life, but in the process I only look at myself with greater disgust. New highs ushering in deeper lows.
I feel like a failure in every way.
No one can convince me otherwise. I'll just nod and smile.
I know I shouldn't put this out here, as it has become apparent that soooo many of you secretly read this, but I've had too many thoughts about putting the period at the end of my sentence. But always, always, always... I think of my mom, her love and her sacrifices, and I just can't. I love her too much. Wow, a deluge of tears just trying to write this.
Right now, I'm in no condition to share my life with someone new, as much as my heart wants to. I thought I loved myself again, but I'm not so sure anymore. I also don't need to be dragging anyone else down with me. Would you be better off without me?
I'm forever unemployed. How can I possibly present myself to an employer when I feel unqualified and undesirable for everything? Can I just go back to working at Cold Stone's, where I can at least start paying back a small portion of my student loans, or would that be the newest low for my Ivy league degree? I'd love to show up at Reunions with that one.
And goshhhh people, stop asking if I'm going to be a doctor. I'm never going to be, and why must you all keep using that as a measure of my success?
What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?
Even dance, the one thing that has kept me sane, is starting to lose its luster. Why I'm still pursuing it is beyond me.
And now, someone from my painful past is talking to me again. Why now? Why 11 months later after making me feel like the worst person in the world, when I had no one else to turn to, when answers never came and they still haven't??
Maybe I deserve all of this because my entire childhood has been picture perfect. Sure, I never had a father around, but my mother more than compensated for that. I was the model son, student, person. I never had enemies. I was ridiculously happy. Maybe no one deserves such a good life. Or maybe I just never learned how to deal with the unhappy because I never encountered it.
So.
Well.
I don't know what else to say. Everyone has problems, why don't I just fix them you're probably thinking... 'oh boo hoo'... 'you whine too much'... 'that's a losing attitude.'
If any other Princetonian feels the same way I do, I would love to meet you. Or do I already know you?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Cuddly
I don't think there's ever been a moment in recent history when something just felt too good to be true. I've reached something like that, and right now it all seems too perfect. Everything is falling in the right place, and coincidences are revealing themselves... birthday triangle, parents' work, majors, "Home", being rejected from the kids menu twice in one day... It's surreal. And escalating to a fast pace.
All I know is that this could be one amazing relationship, or some devastating heartbreak.
I love the twitching. It's too cute.
Heartbeat.
Snoring.
Pretty.
Oh so pretty.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
About Me
So, I was inspired to write an "About Me" section. You know, where you try to convey your soul in a few short lines. If you want to read it, add me on MySpace.
kthxbi
kthxbi
Monday, August 4, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Am I?
Am I just overreacting? Is it normal teenage life to have cops visit your house? Am I just sheltered?
Police.
So, to continue the story, I walked to the police station. La Palma's a small city; it didn't take long. I asked the lady at the desk if I could speak to someone, and one of the officers that came to my house (not the one that "hates" me) appears from some room and tells me to have a seat in one of the adjacent rooms next to the waiting area. As I went to take a seat, I overheard the lady and the officer talking amongst themselves... like, 'oh yeah, it's that guy from [insert my address here] at that party.' Clearly, my name had already been passed around... what were they doing? a background check on me? extra surveillance? setting certain legal proceedings in motion??
Anyway, I chat with the officer. Completely different persona. No tough exterior. Just a very concerned fellow doing his job. I do my best to explain the situation, my frustration, the misunderstandings. I cry a little. Maybe a lot. I learn that my sister's friends are always disrespectful to these cops, so some of that resentment unfortunately lashed out at me. In the end, we come to the realization that my sister lacks respect for my mother, me, our house... maybe even herself if she continues to let her friends use her. We need to confront this issue, I just don't know why the wake-up call had to be so extreme. The officer even offers me the opportunity to talk to that other officer (the one who pounded on our door, and gave me nightmares for life), but I was in too fragile a state of mind to want to confront him again. But I'm sure this conversation will reach him regardless, so that gives me some respite.
I don't know, I think walking down to the police station was the best course of action (assuming they don't use some of that information against me somehow). I know they'll always cast a wary eye, but should anything else come up in the future, I would have regretted not letting them know what's up sooner.
*sigh* Cops busting parties, when I've never thrown a single party my entire life. That deserves a double *sigh*.
Anyway, I chat with the officer. Completely different persona. No tough exterior. Just a very concerned fellow doing his job. I do my best to explain the situation, my frustration, the misunderstandings. I cry a little. Maybe a lot. I learn that my sister's friends are always disrespectful to these cops, so some of that resentment unfortunately lashed out at me. In the end, we come to the realization that my sister lacks respect for my mother, me, our house... maybe even herself if she continues to let her friends use her. We need to confront this issue, I just don't know why the wake-up call had to be so extreme. The officer even offers me the opportunity to talk to that other officer (the one who pounded on our door, and gave me nightmares for life), but I was in too fragile a state of mind to want to confront him again. But I'm sure this conversation will reach him regardless, so that gives me some respite.
I don't know, I think walking down to the police station was the best course of action (assuming they don't use some of that information against me somehow). I know they'll always cast a wary eye, but should anything else come up in the future, I would have regretted not letting them know what's up sooner.
*sigh* Cops busting parties, when I've never thrown a single party my entire life. That deserves a double *sigh*.
Again.
Ok, I don't want to write another novel this time, but I wake up to go to the bathroom, head to the living room, and who do I find? The same cop from my 'List of Crap' entry! A more docile demeanor, but omg not again. I must have looked confused and retarded standing there in my PJs. This time he is joined with two of his buddies, pit-bull stares and everything. This time he makes a point to tell me that he is being lenient (oh how saintly of you), that he could have me charged with underage drinking because I'm the oldest one there. Well of course I'm the oldest, but how much does it suck that I'm not even a drinker, I don't even associate with any of my sister's "friends". I don't party. I'm not loud. I don't smoke. I don't trash people's homes. I don't do stupid shit. Seriously, the good-citizen-of-the-century award should go to me. The irony is that I'm staring right at my La Palma Student Recognition Award that is framed on our living room wall. Next to that is my college diploma. And here I am trying to explain myself while all they're thinking is what a troublemaker. What irresponsibility. This time he takes out his handy-dandy notebook and jots down: my name, date of birth, and phone number. Yayyyyy I'm soooo excited to start a criminal record... what reckless behavior should I embark on next?? Any suggestions?? I hear shoplifting is a thrill...
While my sister's remaining friends who the police decide are OK to spend the night (i.e. haven't been kicked out) clean up, I'm just walking around pissed off. Some of them even dare to smile at me. >.>
The worst part: no one was knocking at my door this time. I could have avoided the encounter altogether.
I shouldn't have gone to pee. My bladder could have taken the abuse; I, on the other hand, have had enough. If Asians really are fierce, well here's my time to prove it.
It's 2AM as I finish writing this post, but I know it'll be a sleepless night.
While my sister's remaining friends who the police decide are OK to spend the night (i.e. haven't been kicked out) clean up, I'm just walking around pissed off. Some of them even dare to smile at me. >.>
The worst part: no one was knocking at my door this time. I could have avoided the encounter altogether.
I shouldn't have gone to pee. My bladder could have taken the abuse; I, on the other hand, have had enough. If Asians really are fierce, well here's my time to prove it.
It's 2AM as I finish writing this post, but I know it'll be a sleepless night.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Flossy Flossy
I am so addicted to dental floss now! I shouldn't be complaining because it's a healthy habit, but I can't go to sleep without flossing anymore. I had a check-up one month ago, just to get x-rays and cleaning... and they found cavities. How many? The number of cool planeteers. Eeek! So ever since then I've been brushing longer, flossing, and using mouthwash by the gallons (or liters :P).
:D
:D
Friday, July 11, 2008
List of Crap
Everything happens for a reason. Help me figure this one out.
I'm in my room. 2:30AM. The electric fan is whirring, and my earphones are nestled in my ears. Suddenly I hear a loud banging on my bedroom door. Why the urgency? I inch the door ajar, and peek into the darkness to find myself staring at one of my sister's friends. Her face is glazed with fear, and in the background I hear a hushed silence amidst what becomes apparent to be angry knocking at our front door. And then the story unfolds from her trembling lips.
She informs me that a police officer is knocking at our front door. Some kid (it's quite shocking who it turns out to be, but that's best left unsaid) passed out on our neighbors' front lawn. An inebriated kid. My guess is that the neighbors then reported it. My sister's friend doesn't know what to do, my sister was sleeping??, so of course, she goes to fetch me. At this point I'm thinking what the hell am I going to say to that police officer, especially when I really have no clue what's going on....
which brings me to the first big question: was I the irresponsible one for not keeping tabs on the night's shenanigans? ....
.... Well, I really have no choice but to confront the officer at our door, so I make my way down the hallway. Oh so conveniently, my sister's male friends are all sitting on our living room couch. Silent, quivering eyeballs fixated on a muted television screen. I move past them and arrive at the front door. I take in one last heart-throbbing breath... and open the door.
A stern police officer is there to welcome me. In his routine, authoritative voice, he bombards me with the obvious questions of 'Why didn't you open the door?' 'Couldn't you hear me knocking/ringing?' I manage to slip out a "yes," to which he demands a "yes, SIR." After a few more degrading remarks, he instructs me to get my sister.
And this is where confusion set in. He doesn't tell me to get my sister, but rather, to get Krystal. Perplexed but relieved to leave his face, I become a player in the fetching game. This time, I just observe his dialogue with my sister from the hallway, but still in full view of the officer. My sister's friend is next to me, whispering me in on all the details I had missed out on. In front of me, the guys who normally fill the house with raucous laughter are frozen, their faces still eerie reflections of my own apprehension.
"22."
I hear the number of my age echo from the officer's mouth. He re-directs his glance at me and beckons me to the door again. What ensued really pissed me the f**k off. In short, he called me a coward for not opening the door for him. In between his other emasculating words, he concluded by saying I was now on his so-called shit list. Good grief, I'm thinking, now I'm on bad terms with a complete stranger (one with considerable power) in a small town, where odds are, I'm going to encounter this guy again. And it's irreparable damage. A tarnished reputation, for what it's worth. There really was no point in opening my mouth to defend myself, lest I dig myself another hole (or rather, fall into another one that my sister's friends so graciously carved for me). Anyways, silence was probably the best course of inaction against this angry fellow.
But I/we were also lucky. The police officer knew my sister from a previous, unrelated incident, so he left our house with mere warnings. Back in the comfort of my bedroom but unnerved and humiliated, I felt compelled to create this blog.
There are just so many things that I need to re-evaluate. This incident should never have happened, and though I wasn't blind to the smoking and drinking, I'm feeling that I've failed policing my own house. I'm the least confrontational guy you'll ever meet, so it's not exactly easy kicking my sister's friends out of the house. Not to mention the tenuous relationship with my own sister that has the volatility of a manic episode (please forgive the reference). There is one friend of hers in particular, though, who I abhor because of one particular incident on a school bus that still plagues me to this day. It involved offensive and hateful language, which I'll leave for you to decipher.
Also, who are these friends? Should I be concerned that they might be terrible influences on my little sis?
And regarding the officer's remarks, I'm not one to take his words too personally. I would have probably acted the same way in his shoes. Neighbor complaint.. kids not answering the door.. "mature" 22-year-old in my face.. drunk underage kid's safety.. But it is totally unfair that I had to take all the blame and humiliation for my sister and her friends' irresponsibility. Those of you who don't really know me will probably think I still deserved it for turning my cheek all these days. Those of you who do know me will understand that I am the last person in the world to deserve being caught in this situation. And that's how I feel.
And as an extension to my life as a whole, I do feel that I'm doing everything right.... but running into everything that's wrong. Karma is one twisted bi**h.
On a lighter note, Fanny Pak was amazing again! WOWOWOW! <3 Matt Cady
I'm in my room. 2:30AM. The electric fan is whirring, and my earphones are nestled in my ears. Suddenly I hear a loud banging on my bedroom door. Why the urgency? I inch the door ajar, and peek into the darkness to find myself staring at one of my sister's friends. Her face is glazed with fear, and in the background I hear a hushed silence amidst what becomes apparent to be angry knocking at our front door. And then the story unfolds from her trembling lips.
She informs me that a police officer is knocking at our front door. Some kid (it's quite shocking who it turns out to be, but that's best left unsaid) passed out on our neighbors' front lawn. An inebriated kid. My guess is that the neighbors then reported it. My sister's friend doesn't know what to do, my sister was sleeping??, so of course, she goes to fetch me. At this point I'm thinking what the hell am I going to say to that police officer, especially when I really have no clue what's going on....
which brings me to the first big question: was I the irresponsible one for not keeping tabs on the night's shenanigans? ....
.... Well, I really have no choice but to confront the officer at our door, so I make my way down the hallway. Oh so conveniently, my sister's male friends are all sitting on our living room couch. Silent, quivering eyeballs fixated on a muted television screen. I move past them and arrive at the front door. I take in one last heart-throbbing breath... and open the door.
A stern police officer is there to welcome me. In his routine, authoritative voice, he bombards me with the obvious questions of 'Why didn't you open the door?' 'Couldn't you hear me knocking/ringing?' I manage to slip out a "yes," to which he demands a "yes, SIR." After a few more degrading remarks, he instructs me to get my sister.
And this is where confusion set in. He doesn't tell me to get my sister, but rather, to get Krystal. Perplexed but relieved to leave his face, I become a player in the fetching game. This time, I just observe his dialogue with my sister from the hallway, but still in full view of the officer. My sister's friend is next to me, whispering me in on all the details I had missed out on. In front of me, the guys who normally fill the house with raucous laughter are frozen, their faces still eerie reflections of my own apprehension.
"22."
I hear the number of my age echo from the officer's mouth. He re-directs his glance at me and beckons me to the door again. What ensued really pissed me the f**k off. In short, he called me a coward for not opening the door for him. In between his other emasculating words, he concluded by saying I was now on his so-called shit list. Good grief, I'm thinking, now I'm on bad terms with a complete stranger (one with considerable power) in a small town, where odds are, I'm going to encounter this guy again. And it's irreparable damage. A tarnished reputation, for what it's worth. There really was no point in opening my mouth to defend myself, lest I dig myself another hole (or rather, fall into another one that my sister's friends so graciously carved for me). Anyways, silence was probably the best course of inaction against this angry fellow.
But I/we were also lucky. The police officer knew my sister from a previous, unrelated incident, so he left our house with mere warnings. Back in the comfort of my bedroom but unnerved and humiliated, I felt compelled to create this blog.
There are just so many things that I need to re-evaluate. This incident should never have happened, and though I wasn't blind to the smoking and drinking, I'm feeling that I've failed policing my own house. I'm the least confrontational guy you'll ever meet, so it's not exactly easy kicking my sister's friends out of the house. Not to mention the tenuous relationship with my own sister that has the volatility of a manic episode (please forgive the reference). There is one friend of hers in particular, though, who I abhor because of one particular incident on a school bus that still plagues me to this day. It involved offensive and hateful language, which I'll leave for you to decipher.
Also, who are these friends? Should I be concerned that they might be terrible influences on my little sis?
And regarding the officer's remarks, I'm not one to take his words too personally. I would have probably acted the same way in his shoes. Neighbor complaint.. kids not answering the door.. "mature" 22-year-old in my face.. drunk underage kid's safety.. But it is totally unfair that I had to take all the blame and humiliation for my sister and her friends' irresponsibility. Those of you who don't really know me will probably think I still deserved it for turning my cheek all these days. Those of you who do know me will understand that I am the last person in the world to deserve being caught in this situation. And that's how I feel.
And as an extension to my life as a whole, I do feel that I'm doing everything right.... but running into everything that's wrong. Karma is one twisted bi**h.
On a lighter note, Fanny Pak was amazing again! WOWOWOW! <3 Matt Cady
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Le Sigh
It's so painful. I can't get over Z no matter how hard I try. I fell for him, but at the time, I was still struggling with countless issues that I was the coldest ice demon there ever was. Every advance he made, I retreated twice as boldly. That sort of chase couldn't go on forever, and as it was, he left. But he never left my heart.
To this day, I still wonder why I'm still so strongly attached to him. He made me believe that perhaps I was just desperate for any type of love, so had it been any other guy I would have fallen just as hard. He made me believe that I was just lonely and alone, and I only craved the friendship that had taken a backseat in my life. Pieces of that picture are true, but after nearly nine months of heart-aching and frustration, I know that I still love him. And it's all types of love of various shapes and sizes. I try so hard to find a Facebook picture where he isn't the most adorable thing ever. I try so hard to erase the kiss he planted on my cheek (in the worst possible scenario imaginable, btw). I try oh so hard to move on, but I find myself comparing everyone I meet to the excitement that only Z could elicit. His intellect was infectious, but I was still donning my hospital scrubs that I never let myself catch it.
But I also see how happy he is with W. Perhaps I really was just the "rebound" guy who happened to get caught into this mess. Regardless, I'm eternally thankful for having met Z, for I've never loved myself as much as I do now, even in this depressive, dare-I-say suicidal state. I know, the bitter irony. It just sucks that now that I am comfortable in my own skin, I've left the social networking possibilities of collegiate life. Once again, too little too late.
I guess this is all just a segue into possibly liking someone again. That analytic region of my brain starts sending/receiving signals every which way, and now I'm back to where I was months ago... comparing and becoming disappointed that it's just not the same. Why are things so complicated, or am I just making them that way? I'm having trouble focusing on my career, but with the flooding of emotions, I can't find the higher ground.
I swear I'll post more uplifting things in the future. It's just adjfkaldjkldask right now.
To this day, I still wonder why I'm still so strongly attached to him. He made me believe that perhaps I was just desperate for any type of love, so had it been any other guy I would have fallen just as hard. He made me believe that I was just lonely and alone, and I only craved the friendship that had taken a backseat in my life. Pieces of that picture are true, but after nearly nine months of heart-aching and frustration, I know that I still love him. And it's all types of love of various shapes and sizes. I try so hard to find a Facebook picture where he isn't the most adorable thing ever. I try so hard to erase the kiss he planted on my cheek (in the worst possible scenario imaginable, btw). I try oh so hard to move on, but I find myself comparing everyone I meet to the excitement that only Z could elicit. His intellect was infectious, but I was still donning my hospital scrubs that I never let myself catch it.
But I also see how happy he is with W. Perhaps I really was just the "rebound" guy who happened to get caught into this mess. Regardless, I'm eternally thankful for having met Z, for I've never loved myself as much as I do now, even in this depressive, dare-I-say suicidal state. I know, the bitter irony. It just sucks that now that I am comfortable in my own skin, I've left the social networking possibilities of collegiate life. Once again, too little too late.
I guess this is all just a segue into possibly liking someone again. That analytic region of my brain starts sending/receiving signals every which way, and now I'm back to where I was months ago... comparing and becoming disappointed that it's just not the same. Why are things so complicated, or am I just making them that way? I'm having trouble focusing on my career, but with the flooding of emotions, I can't find the higher ground.
I swear I'll post more uplifting things in the future. It's just adjfkaldjkldask right now.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Public?
I'm debating whether or not to make this blog public. And by public, I mean making it known to everyone that knows me through Facebook. Princeton is for the most part over, so I'm no longer as inhibited. But there are of course many people who I'd rather not disclose this blog to, and if I could pick and choose that would be ideal, but I don't think it matters anymore. In fact, I could chop off my limbs and still count the number of people who actually care about me. And then there are high school friends, most (if not every one of them) I truly regret losing touch with. I didn't think being a whole country away would be an issue, but I seemed to have isolated myself from the very friends that cared for me the most. I mean, who would make you a princess story picturebook with pressable, musical buttons? Real friends, unconditional friends. Friends. Period. Finally, there's the small trickle of recent high school grads who are excitedly embracing the magic of Facebook for the first time. These are mostly my sister's friends, and no doubt my sister will soon be clicking her friend invite my way.
In other words, many people will probably stumble upon this blog. Some will be appalled, some will be sympathetic, some will cringe, some will laugh (in good and bad ways). Many will think it's sad and pathetic. Some will think it's so stupid, like why would I expose myself so vulnerably? I might even lose friends. But who knows, maybe someone will actually want to read more. If that's YOU, please comment or message or something of the sort ^_^ please plz plz. Also, I apologize in advance for anyone's names that appear in previous entries... I only used first names (I think) so I guess you're still somewhat anonymous??
I'm mostly afraid that people that I once thought were friends will be disgusted at what really goes on in my head. Four years ago, my life seemed on track and honestly honestly I smiled all the time. Now, I think I'm sick, need help, and all that morbid junk. "Who is that sad person?" asked Nigel (bald guy from The Devil Wears Prada). That, sir, would be me.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect.
Oh my, did I really just make those references?
But really, before any of you worry... I still have so much love to give. I'm not giving up. I'm still the same ol' amazing Antz. It's just another obstacle to prove why I've made it this far :)
In other words, many people will probably stumble upon this blog. Some will be appalled, some will be sympathetic, some will cringe, some will laugh (in good and bad ways). Many will think it's sad and pathetic. Some will think it's so stupid, like why would I expose myself so vulnerably? I might even lose friends. But who knows, maybe someone will actually want to read more. If that's YOU, please comment or message or something of the sort ^_^ please plz plz. Also, I apologize in advance for anyone's names that appear in previous entries... I only used first names (I think) so I guess you're still somewhat anonymous??
I'm mostly afraid that people that I once thought were friends will be disgusted at what really goes on in my head. Four years ago, my life seemed on track and honestly honestly I smiled all the time. Now, I think I'm sick, need help, and all that morbid junk. "Who is that sad person?" asked Nigel (bald guy from The Devil Wears Prada). That, sir, would be me.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect.
Oh my, did I really just make those references?
But really, before any of you worry... I still have so much love to give. I'm not giving up. I'm still the same ol' amazing Antz. It's just another obstacle to prove why I've made it this far :)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Stickies. Unedited.
June 19:
"Omg this is so embarrassing. So many pretty girls everywhere with so much talent. And no doubt that the few guys are really really good. Why is this so hard? That viewing area is so tiny too! How the f am I going to pretend like I belong there? Act like I'm waiting ar4ound for someone? But then what if someone asks me who I'm waiting for?? Then what?? Aaaaah.... so awkward so awkward. And these people look really good and intimidating. Gaaaahh omg omg what do I do? I'm so lame, I.'m pretending that I'm occupied when all I want to do is watch what's going on inside. Geeeeez, if it's so hard now, no wonder I couldn't do this eight years ago. Is it really worth pursuing anymore?"
June 22:
"I'm sitting atop a rock after being kicked off the swing by a fricken kid. Lol. Kids are such brats. I don't know when I'll ever want one of my own. So many people swarm the basketball courts it's crazy. I also saw two people together that made me really sick, like just too cute it was sickening kind of cute. And now there's a girl that climbed atop the rock next to me, omg little girl go away. Sigh, I'm missing so much in my life. I still remember someone's words, that I'm anything but bad, and I shouldn't let anybody make me believe otherwise. But damn, I'm so persuasive."
"Omg this is so embarrassing. So many pretty girls everywhere with so much talent. And no doubt that the few guys are really really good. Why is this so hard? That viewing area is so tiny too! How the f am I going to pretend like I belong there? Act like I'm waiting ar4ound for someone? But then what if someone asks me who I'm waiting for?? Then what?? Aaaaah.... so awkward so awkward. And these people look really good and intimidating. Gaaaahh omg omg what do I do? I'm so lame, I.'m pretending that I'm occupied when all I want to do is watch what's going on inside. Geeeeez, if it's so hard now, no wonder I couldn't do this eight years ago. Is it really worth pursuing anymore?"
June 22:
"I'm sitting atop a rock after being kicked off the swing by a fricken kid. Lol. Kids are such brats. I don't know when I'll ever want one of my own. So many people swarm the basketball courts it's crazy. I also saw two people together that made me really sick, like just too cute it was sickening kind of cute. And now there's a girl that climbed atop the rock next to me, omg little girl go away. Sigh, I'm missing so much in my life. I still remember someone's words, that I'm anything but bad, and I shouldn't let anybody make me believe otherwise. But damn, I'm so persuasive."
Friday, June 20, 2008
Brr. Yabba Dabba. Scooby.
I said brr. It's cold in here.
There must be some ice cream in the atmosphere.
I said Brr.. it's cold in here.
We thank you for your dollar and here's our cheer:
We go O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
Coldstone, we're the Cold Stones.
We're a super-duper family.
When you fill the tip jar,
We will sing in perfect harmony!
Dollar dollar bill, where are you?
We need some dollar bills now.
There must be some ice cream in the atmosphere.
I said Brr.. it's cold in here.
We thank you for your dollar and here's our cheer:
We go O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
Coldstone, we're the Cold Stones.
We're a super-duper family.
When you fill the tip jar,
We will sing in perfect harmony!
Dollar dollar bill, where are you?
We need some dollar bills now.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
6° and Hate
Wow, it's been a while since I made a post, and so much has happened since then.
The biggest thing: my graduation. I can't fully describe all of the emotions that engulfed me that week. Like I have always said, it was an enormous privilege to study among the best minds in the world, and I am grateful for the opportunity. So many friends, so many experiences, so many memories. The best damn place of all.
I guess I should also mention the 678 gathering that took place one week ago. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go, especially with the whole internet awkwardness, but I went anyway. It was also the premiere of the live auditions for ABDC, so I ended up getting to the beach really late. I stumbled upon the group, and it was way more awkward than I had anticipated. However, it turns out that Drake actually went to my elementary school, though we had never met back then. You could say that it balanced out the awkwardness. I officially solidified my creepy status.
And now to the central topic of this post... the infamous hater.
When I first started watching people vlog, it became apparent that the more subscribers one acquired, the greater the number of hater comments. Their advice was always along the lines of not letting the hate get to you.
Well, I just received my first hate comment on one of my videos. At first, I was hurt. It was painful knowing that someone went out of their pathetic way to spread their disdain for life. But of course, I shrugged it off.. blocked and deleted. At the same time, I had noticed an influx of new subscribers. Where were you all coming from? And then I watched Jared's video, and then I learned that his compliment collab got globally featured. Yay and oh no! It was a well-deserved feature because there just isn't enough good around YouTube. But apparently, all of the haters out there were overloaded with all the compliments that their brains exploded. The result: hate everywhere.
I am a little embarrassed at having my little segment in there. (Especially being at the very beginning of the video!) I'm thankful that Jared cut out the last six words of my sentence. Otherwise, I would have to hide my face forever. All the while I kept thinking, "Oh my, please don't let _____ see this!" Nobody really knows that I write these blogs or make those random videos on YouTube, but I definitely did not want them to discover me this way. It's permanently out there in the public now isn't it?
If you're reading this, I assume you're a subscriber, so thank you for choosing to watch my channel. I appreciate all of your comments, and I hope I don't weird you out too much. I'm just being me.
The biggest thing: my graduation. I can't fully describe all of the emotions that engulfed me that week. Like I have always said, it was an enormous privilege to study among the best minds in the world, and I am grateful for the opportunity. So many friends, so many experiences, so many memories. The best damn place of all.
I guess I should also mention the 678 gathering that took place one week ago. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go, especially with the whole internet awkwardness, but I went anyway. It was also the premiere of the live auditions for ABDC, so I ended up getting to the beach really late. I stumbled upon the group, and it was way more awkward than I had anticipated. However, it turns out that Drake actually went to my elementary school, though we had never met back then. You could say that it balanced out the awkwardness. I officially solidified my creepy status.
And now to the central topic of this post... the infamous hater.
When I first started watching people vlog, it became apparent that the more subscribers one acquired, the greater the number of hater comments. Their advice was always along the lines of not letting the hate get to you.
Well, I just received my first hate comment on one of my videos. At first, I was hurt. It was painful knowing that someone went out of their pathetic way to spread their disdain for life. But of course, I shrugged it off.. blocked and deleted. At the same time, I had noticed an influx of new subscribers. Where were you all coming from? And then I watched Jared's video, and then I learned that his compliment collab got globally featured. Yay and oh no! It was a well-deserved feature because there just isn't enough good around YouTube. But apparently, all of the haters out there were overloaded with all the compliments that their brains exploded. The result: hate everywhere.
I am a little embarrassed at having my little segment in there. (Especially being at the very beginning of the video!) I'm thankful that Jared cut out the last six words of my sentence. Otherwise, I would have to hide my face forever. All the while I kept thinking, "Oh my, please don't let _____ see this!" Nobody really knows that I write these blogs or make those random videos on YouTube, but I definitely did not want them to discover me this way. It's permanently out there in the public now isn't it?
If you're reading this, I assume you're a subscriber, so thank you for choosing to watch my channel. I appreciate all of your comments, and I hope I don't weird you out too much. I'm just being me.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A Return to Normalcy
For the fear of revealing my inner geek, I hesitate to post this. But oh well.
Two years ago, a friend introduced me to an MMORPG called Dofus. It's the cutest game ever, but more addicting than crackmonsters. I played intensively for one summer, but then retired from it for school. Out of sheer boredom, I started up again during our so-called Dead Week. It reminded me of all the things I hated about these French developers. (Thank you for your comprehension. lol)
These online RPGs like World of Warcraft are poisonous candy. You develop sweet bonds with "friends" within guilds, but no one really cares about you outside of the game. It's the pseudo-social network that drives thousands (millions?) of teens to lameness. The difference between these games and traditional console video games is the "level grinding" that becomes so monotonous, yet intangibly rewarding. And even if you want to take a break to quit thinking about the game, you have virtual pets to feed everyday... otherwise they die!!
The worst part: you waste so much time and start to wonder where the fun went. Reality and fantasy become blurred partners.
Two years ago, a friend introduced me to an MMORPG called Dofus. It's the cutest game ever, but more addicting than crackmonsters. I played intensively for one summer, but then retired from it for school. Out of sheer boredom, I started up again during our so-called Dead Week. It reminded me of all the things I hated about these French developers. (Thank you for your comprehension. lol)
These online RPGs like World of Warcraft are poisonous candy. You develop sweet bonds with "friends" within guilds, but no one really cares about you outside of the game. It's the pseudo-social network that drives thousands (millions?) of teens to lameness. The difference between these games and traditional console video games is the "level grinding" that becomes so monotonous, yet intangibly rewarding. And even if you want to take a break to quit thinking about the game, you have virtual pets to feed everyday... otherwise they die!!
The worst part: you waste so much time and start to wonder where the fun went. Reality and fantasy become blurred partners.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Let's Go, Defense, Let's Go!
My thesis defense is in about 3 hours, and I'm frantically/wearily still preparing, when I run into an email that one of my dance group members sent out. It contained a link to a Chinese-American website where her mom got them to upload the videos of the Friday night performance of our previous show. I was so excited to see the clips because I don't have my own copy. Plus, there's a clip of the piece I choreographed. (But I'm way too embarrassed to include a link to it here.) Anyways, the point of this entry was to say how incredibly happy it made me. On stage, the music drowned out most of the crowd's cheering, so I only heard some of what was going on. But the person who filmed the Friday night show was sitting in the audience, so his/her camera picked up a lot more. And my friends in the crowd were crazy! Lovely crazy! I've never heard my name yelled so many times, and with so much love!! It seriously made my day for the rest of my life. That's how amazing it was.
I recognized some of the voices, but I don't want to misquote anyone. These ones were my favorites:
"Anthony, you're great at lyrical!" I'm not really, but I love it.
"You're so good, Anthony (with Anthony rushed at the end because the crowd becomes silent)!" HAHA! That's so awkward when that happens.
"I love Anthony!"
"Me too!"
and various other inflections of Anthony!
<3 <3 <3
I never have a reason to be sad again. Ever. Exceptions of course.
:) :] :D
I recognized some of the voices, but I don't want to misquote anyone. These ones were my favorites:
"Anthony, you're great at lyrical!" I'm not really, but I love it.
"You're so good, Anthony (with Anthony rushed at the end because the crowd becomes silent)!" HAHA! That's so awkward when that happens.
"I love Anthony!"
"Me too!"
and various other inflections of Anthony!
<3 <3 <3
I never have a reason to be sad again. Ever. Exceptions of course.
:) :] :D
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Boys Suck
This blog is being composed at 5AM, for a particular someone, because my mind will not allow itself to fall into a slumber. I have no idea whether you're even aware that this blog exists, but on the odd chance that you do, well here you go. And in case you're not sure this is for you: "boys suck."
If you were angry after last night's conversation, I can understand why you might feel that way. But I hope you can also understand that if I was the cause for any anger, I am just as entitled to my own reciprocated anger.
Part of this boils down to assumptions. Societal-imposed norms are to blame, but love exists in all forms, and I should be rightfully offended when I am lumped into the "right" one. People are so quick to judge, which is fine I'll accept that, but acting upon those judgments is what generates so much discord.
What you deem "lies"... honestly, what more can you expect from an insecure individual who essentially has no choice but to continue playing along heteronormative lines. I value the sanctity of marriage, so to use the concept as playfully (or dare I say facetiously to conjure up a more impressive adverb) as you did, is sufficient grounds to assume that you could not possibly be serious. You have no reason to be angered over my compliance with whatever fantasy you had envisioned in your mind.
That being said, no one should be angry. Don't we both already have tons of bull**** to deal with--cheaters, liars, decepticons, hateful vibes, school, life, I'm sure you can add more to the list--?? Obviously, things are not going to be the same for a while.But I'm still just as much the devoted friend that you've known all along.
I trust that your maturity level far exceeds my expectations, so I look forward to chatting with you again, the past behind us. But if for some reason you can't, then I still wish you the best in life. Stop the self-criticism. Embrace the goodness.
If you were angry after last night's conversation, I can understand why you might feel that way. But I hope you can also understand that if I was the cause for any anger, I am just as entitled to my own reciprocated anger.
Part of this boils down to assumptions. Societal-imposed norms are to blame, but love exists in all forms, and I should be rightfully offended when I am lumped into the "right" one. People are so quick to judge, which is fine I'll accept that, but acting upon those judgments is what generates so much discord.
What you deem "lies"... honestly, what more can you expect from an insecure individual who essentially has no choice but to continue playing along heteronormative lines. I value the sanctity of marriage, so to use the concept as playfully (or dare I say facetiously to conjure up a more impressive adverb) as you did, is sufficient grounds to assume that you could not possibly be serious. You have no reason to be angered over my compliance with whatever fantasy you had envisioned in your mind.
That being said, no one should be angry. Don't we both already have tons of bull**** to deal with--cheaters, liars, decepticons, hateful vibes, school, life, I'm sure you can add more to the list--?? Obviously, things are not going to be the same for a while.
I trust that your maturity level far exceeds my expectations, so I look forward to chatting with you again, the past behind us. But if for some reason you can't, then I still wish you the best in life. Stop the self-criticism. Embrace the goodness.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Little Pleasures + Happy Earth Day
Stress has reached an all-time high, but today a vending machine just dispensed me two bags of chips for the price of one! Is it so sad that I take such joy in this?
Tue - Wed - Thurs - Fri - Sat - Sun
6 days left son.
Tue - Wed - Thurs - Fri - Sat - Sun
6 days left son.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Greatest Four Lines I've Ever Heard
you are not a bad person.
you are a great person.
don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
don't think otherwise.
you are a great person.
don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
don't think otherwise.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
They Come in Swarms
The pre-frosh have invaded the campus! They travel in groups, wear nametags around their necks, and possess the sort of excitement that will, in due course, fade into jadedness. Oh to be a pre-frosh again, to be pampered and to question. To brag about high school accomplishments, SAT scores. To introduce yourself over and over again. California? Northern or southern? What city? To turn down other wonderful schools, and to finally take your place among the best and brightest...
With a senior thesis breathing down my neck, slathering me with hickeys galore, I die a little inside each time I stroll by any such pre-frosh gatherings. A part of me wants to rip off my shackles and yell to them, "Don't take the plunge!" But then a greater part of me wants to give them all hugs and sunshines. So what to do??
Kidnap a pre-frosh and have him or her write the darn thing for me.
With a senior thesis breathing down my neck, slathering me with hickeys galore, I die a little inside each time I stroll by any such pre-frosh gatherings. A part of me wants to rip off my shackles and yell to them, "Don't take the plunge!" But then a greater part of me wants to give them all hugs and sunshines. So what to do??
Kidnap a pre-frosh and have him or her write the darn thing for me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Post-it® #2
"Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."
-thomas-
-thomas-
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Revelations
reaching and yearning,
our voices in unison,
freedom of the wings.
wading and cleansing,
a ripple, wave, engulfing,
onward we will go.
singing and praising,
the holy vitality,
can you feel it now?
our voices in unison,
freedom of the wings.
wading and cleansing,
a ripple, wave, engulfing,
onward we will go.
singing and praising,
the holy vitality,
can you feel it now?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Break Reality
Wow! I'm really pressed for time this month, but I thought I should jot down a few thoughts about last weekend's show.
One satisfying element this year was the variety and quantity of choreography. Early preparation was key, and I'm amazed that Chris managed to organize rehearsals so early on in the semester. I was also in a significantly greater number of pieces, so I felt that despite my poor freestyling skillz, I fulfilled my duty to the group in the remainder acts. I'm also thankful for those friends who supported me and cheered. It was invigorating, and it made me feel that my effort and thesis-delaying was worth it.
I'm especially proud of Brian, Kohei, Alan, and Lauren. They helped communicate my dance, as outrageous as it was.
Taofik is legendary. The time and expertise for all the trailers, intros, fillers... wow.
The post-show withdrawal still lingers, but we have a viewing party scheduled for tomorrow night, so hopefully that will ease the longing.
Oh, I also had to create a personal statement piece for my dance class (1.5 to 2 min long), and I think it went well. I messed up a small part of it, but I hope my improvisation masked the boo-boo. Christine said it was "beautiful" :)
Tonight, I'm watching "The Pillowman," which is apparently creepy-McCreepster, but it's yet another sacrifice or procrastination method. Seriously, I'm sub-consciously preparing for my advisor's flames of fury.
Hmm... meeting with a psychiatrist and then a psychologist.
Finally, I'll be seeing the BAC show on Friday, but right now my biggest concern is for Karen's brother. I pray that he can recover and pull out strong.
Peace out,
Bboy G.I. Ant
One satisfying element this year was the variety and quantity of choreography. Early preparation was key, and I'm amazed that Chris managed to organize rehearsals so early on in the semester. I was also in a significantly greater number of pieces, so I felt that despite my poor freestyling skillz, I fulfilled my duty to the group in the remainder acts. I'm also thankful for those friends who supported me and cheered. It was invigorating, and it made me feel that my effort and thesis-delaying was worth it.
I'm especially proud of Brian, Kohei, Alan, and Lauren. They helped communicate my dance, as outrageous as it was.
Taofik is legendary. The time and expertise for all the trailers, intros, fillers... wow.
The post-show withdrawal still lingers, but we have a viewing party scheduled for tomorrow night, so hopefully that will ease the longing.
Oh, I also had to create a personal statement piece for my dance class (1.5 to 2 min long), and I think it went well. I messed up a small part of it, but I hope my improvisation masked the boo-boo. Christine said it was "beautiful" :)
Tonight, I'm watching "The Pillowman," which is apparently creepy-McCreepster, but it's yet another sacrifice or procrastination method. Seriously, I'm sub-consciously preparing for my advisor's flames of fury.
Hmm... meeting with a psychiatrist and then a psychologist.
Finally, I'll be seeing the BAC show on Friday, but right now my biggest concern is for Karen's brother. I pray that he can recover and pull out strong.
Peace out,
Bboy G.I. Ant
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Do You Feel Like I Feel?
Wow, I just created what will probably be the most embarrassing video ever. But I'm crazy like that, and it's for an awesome YouTuber.
Natalie!
Speaking of feelings, I am...
excited about our trailer that is hotness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N9bwByGxMg
disgusted with the amount of work I still have left
anxious about an email a friend helped me write to someone... hoping for a reply
grateful to still be a college student.
Natalie!
Speaking of feelings, I am...
excited about our trailer that is hotness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N9bwByGxMg
disgusted with the amount of work I still have left
anxious about an email a friend helped me write to someone... hoping for a reply
grateful to still be a college student.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Top Chef Wedding
So, I had a lovely conversation with a fabulous hairdresser today. Well, she mostly talked and I listened, but it was still nice.
We talked about televised car chases in Los Angeles. Why do the newscasts like to give them so much attention? Does it boost their ratings? Attract an otherwise apathetic viewership? I can only think of one advantage: by knowing which roads the fugitive is on, I know which streets and freeways to avoid.
Oh, and there were flat screen TVs in front of each salon chair, so a rerun of Top Chef happened to be playing. It was an episode of a gay couple getting married. I have no idea why they would want the contestants to prepare their wedding reception... you know some dish is bound to go wrong. Anyways, this started a new topic of all the gay people she (the hair stylist) knew in her life. How they always had gorgeous homes (she was dying to take a peek at her neighbors' house's interior), how they had the most fun personalities, how they were her bestest friends... and then, sensing that I might not have a clue what she was talking about, she asked if I had any gay friends. I replied, "Yeah, they're fun." Haha.
Well, only four more days to crank out some work on my thesis. Then, it will be the beginning of "Hell Week" as my dance group begins intense rehearsing for our spring show. This is only my second year (because I was away last semester), but I know what to expect: tired bodies, very little sleep, but a bonding experience like no other.
We talked about televised car chases in Los Angeles. Why do the newscasts like to give them so much attention? Does it boost their ratings? Attract an otherwise apathetic viewership? I can only think of one advantage: by knowing which roads the fugitive is on, I know which streets and freeways to avoid.
Oh, and there were flat screen TVs in front of each salon chair, so a rerun of Top Chef happened to be playing. It was an episode of a gay couple getting married. I have no idea why they would want the contestants to prepare their wedding reception... you know some dish is bound to go wrong. Anyways, this started a new topic of all the gay people she (the hair stylist) knew in her life. How they always had gorgeous homes (she was dying to take a peek at her neighbors' house's interior), how they had the most fun personalities, how they were her bestest friends... and then, sensing that I might not have a clue what she was talking about, she asked if I had any gay friends. I replied, "Yeah, they're fun." Haha.
Well, only four more days to crank out some work on my thesis. Then, it will be the beginning of "Hell Week" as my dance group begins intense rehearsing for our spring show. This is only my second year (because I was away last semester), but I know what to expect: tired bodies, very little sleep, but a bonding experience like no other.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Permanently Pressed
Who does his or her laundry at midnight on a Monday, especially when school is not in session? Figuring the answer would be "NO ONE," I proceeded to the laundry room...
... but ran into two people. *gasp* at the First.... *sigh* for the Second.
Now I hate myself again.
I'm just glad the First's slick escape averted an awkward moment.
... but ran into two people. *gasp* at the First.... *sigh* for the Second.
Now I hate myself again.
I'm just glad the First's slick escape averted an awkward moment.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lamest Spring Break Ever
I'm not the only one suffering. I'm sure of it. We are all prisoners of the THESIS!!!
The distractions I've encountered so far:
-> playing iSketch
-> Facebook fun
-> brainstorming a short film
-> YouTube vids
-> watching America's Best Dance Crew episodes
-> recycling
-> sleeping... zZz
Exciting events:
-> watching Jess in Eurydice despite the creepy Stones... nightmares for life.
-> stalking Mike on his way to Whitman library. Haha, I swear I'm not a stalker.
-> front handspring on the floor!
As you can see, Spring Break hates me. Time to go visit some carrels, because I don't have one :(
The distractions I've encountered so far:
-> playing iSketch
-> Facebook fun
-> brainstorming a short film
-> YouTube vids
-> watching America's Best Dance Crew episodes
-> recycling
-> sleeping... zZz
Exciting events:
-> watching Jess in Eurydice despite the creepy Stones... nightmares for life.
-> stalking Mike on his way to Whitman library. Haha, I swear I'm not a stalker.
-> front handspring on the floor!
As you can see, Spring Break hates me. Time to go visit some carrels, because I don't have one :(
Monday, March 3, 2008
Magnetism
Jay.
Bridge. Lift. Spin.
Corner. Back. Corner.
Run around. Fall to ground.
Mirror. Balance. Swaying.
Forward. Pose. Releve.
Semi-circling gaze.
Spin. Spin. Lower. Bridge.
Jay.
Bridge. Lift. Spin.
Corner. Back. Corner.
Run around. Fall to ground.
Mirror. Balance. Swaying.
Forward. Pose. Releve.
Semi-circling gaze.
Spin. Spin. Lower. Bridge.
Jay.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Random Collision
I was reminded today of life's mysterious encounters. We all occupy a space in time, and when we collide, you can't help but wonder who or what may be orchestrating that ensemble.
Just a few of those events. I was on my way to meet with my adviser/advisor (gah! I don't know which spelling is correct), and instead of taking the usual staircase upwards, I went up the one closer to the side of the dinosaur's behind. When I reached the appropriate hallway, I peered into one of the adjoining labs and saw Helmae! busy at work with a gel photograph in her hand. And I just spoke to Annika last night, even though I hardly log onto Adium/AIM anymore!
Afterwards, I headed to Fine library, and then to the eerie Geosciences one, and then saw Joyce! I'm not even sure how we met, it was definitely before Psych 101 my freshman year, maybe even during pre-frosh weekend. Oh, the pre-frosh memories with Dan, and my Newman's-day-celebrating host. Haha.
And then in the elevator, I guess I was daydreaming because I let the elevator doors crush some poor woman as she was trying to get on. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about what you were trying to do, or that the "keep open" button was right in front of me.
Then on my way back to my room, I noticed some guy putting up posters in front of Patton on the Whitman sidewalk. It wasn't the first time I've seen him, and for some reason I find him so fascinating. It was awkward when I started staring a bit too long, and he seemed to be cognizant of it. At least it wasn't as bad as the time I saw him in Frist, 2nd floor, where we definitely had a staring thing going on. The worst part is not knowing who he is. So mysterious.
Finally, I had an unexpected visitor today, as if to consummate this day of happenstance. A junior, I assume, had selected my dorm room during room draw, and he just stopped by to take a look at it. Normally, my room is so neat it is boring, but today it was a wild mess... a hot mess even? haha, just kidding. I'm never going to say that again! EWW! But it definitely had a lot more character, just the perfect touch of homeliness without screaming u-g-l-y. Stitch happened to be sleeping on my pillow, so I hope he didn't take notice of that.
Just a few of those events. I was on my way to meet with my adviser/advisor (gah! I don't know which spelling is correct), and instead of taking the usual staircase upwards, I went up the one closer to the side of the dinosaur's behind. When I reached the appropriate hallway, I peered into one of the adjoining labs and saw Helmae! busy at work with a gel photograph in her hand. And I just spoke to Annika last night, even though I hardly log onto Adium/AIM anymore!
Afterwards, I headed to Fine library, and then to the eerie Geosciences one, and then saw Joyce! I'm not even sure how we met, it was definitely before Psych 101 my freshman year, maybe even during pre-frosh weekend. Oh, the pre-frosh memories with Dan, and my Newman's-day-celebrating host. Haha.
And then in the elevator, I guess I was daydreaming because I let the elevator doors crush some poor woman as she was trying to get on. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about what you were trying to do, or that the "keep open" button was right in front of me.
Then on my way back to my room, I noticed some guy putting up posters in front of Patton on the Whitman sidewalk. It wasn't the first time I've seen him, and for some reason I find him so fascinating. It was awkward when I started staring a bit too long, and he seemed to be cognizant of it. At least it wasn't as bad as the time I saw him in Frist, 2nd floor, where we definitely had a staring thing going on. The worst part is not knowing who he is. So mysterious.
Finally, I had an unexpected visitor today, as if to consummate this day of happenstance. A junior, I assume, had selected my dorm room during room draw, and he just stopped by to take a look at it. Normally, my room is so neat it is boring, but today it was a wild mess... a hot mess even? haha, just kidding. I'm never going to say that again! EWW! But it definitely had a lot more character, just the perfect touch of homeliness without screaming u-g-l-y. Stitch happened to be sleeping on my pillow, so I hope he didn't take notice of that.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Happy Feet
I never thought I would make a blog about relationship-type issues, but I suppose this is also relevant to any human encounters we make in our lifetimes. A personal fault that I have come to realize is my quest for other people's happiness even at the expense of my own. This utilitarian approach is becoming burdensome, and what is most unsettling is that I don't have the resolve to change. I always aim to please because I cannot stand the feeling of being responsible for someone else's sadness, disappointment, anger, whatever. One could also say that I am too self-conscious of others' opinions and criticisms, so in that sense I appease the masses because it means less negativity directed my way.
I became particularly aware of harsh criticism this past weekend when my dance group held our spring auditions. Upon discussing who to admit, our members were brutally honest, which was necessary but also discomforting. It reminded me of all my failed pursuits at this university, where everything seems to be a competition. And with all the talent concentrated on one small campus, the competition is fierce. Academically, of course, but even socially with the eating club institutions. I apologize for the despondent tone, but it's just the reality. And when I graduate and enter the pool of job applicants, will I stay afloat?
I'm guessing that the answer is yes, but my future is still muddled up in uncertainty.
I became particularly aware of harsh criticism this past weekend when my dance group held our spring auditions. Upon discussing who to admit, our members were brutally honest, which was necessary but also discomforting. It reminded me of all my failed pursuits at this university, where everything seems to be a competition. And with all the talent concentrated on one small campus, the competition is fierce. Academically, of course, but even socially with the eating club institutions. I apologize for the despondent tone, but it's just the reality. And when I graduate and enter the pool of job applicants, will I stay afloat?
I'm guessing that the answer is yes, but my future is still muddled up in uncertainty.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Love = Love
Happy Valentine's Day! (I meant to post this earlier, but I never got around to finishing it :P)
My Valentine's was interesting to say the least. I will just say it was my favorite ever.
One of the great things about my dance class is that it forces me to make time for live performances and shows that I would have wanted to see but never considered a worthy chunk of time in my crazy schedule. So on Wednesday night, I saw the Oscar-famous dance troupe Pilobolus. They were absolutely amazing! The control, the strength, the creative motions. They even have a sense of humor, especially a fun slip-and-slide ending. And to top it all off, the following day during dance class, we had a special guest: Renee, the rehearsal director for Pilobolus! She guided us through several exercises, like moving through space (or more like an intense cardio workout!), connecting in partnerships, leading/following, and exploring our infinite options. It was all so much fun!!
My Valentine's was interesting to say the least. I will just say it was my favorite ever.
One of the great things about my dance class is that it forces me to make time for live performances and shows that I would have wanted to see but never considered a worthy chunk of time in my crazy schedule. So on Wednesday night, I saw the Oscar-famous dance troupe Pilobolus. They were absolutely amazing! The control, the strength, the creative motions. They even have a sense of humor, especially a fun slip-and-slide ending. And to top it all off, the following day during dance class, we had a special guest: Renee, the rehearsal director for Pilobolus! She guided us through several exercises, like moving through space (or more like an intense cardio workout!), connecting in partnerships, leading/following, and exploring our infinite options. It was all so much fun!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
ChoreOh No
I'm about to go to sleep, but I figured I should get this out of my head already. So this evening, my dance group showcased our ideas for pieces for our upcoming spring show. My contribution was a "mini-piece" to fit within someone else's. Briefly, the piece as a whole is centered around a student listening to an iPod, and daydreaming and switching different tracks on his or her device.
I'm just disappointed. Not with my collaborators (they were actually amazing and entertaining!), but with myself. I had a vision, and my choreography reflects that, but due to 1) my limited/awkward dancing ability; 2) lack of self-confidence; and 3) my naturally shy disposition; I forgot so much of the choreo and essentially did not "feel" the music. So what I had envisioned never came to fruition, and it came across as a nervous wreck, a series of jutting moves and misplaced timing. Of course, there are roughly six weeks until the actual show, so there is plenty of time for improvement. But I just fear that instead of garnering enthusiasm for my piece, it drew questioning stares... and doubts... and grimacing faces.
But with all that behind me now, I can look forward to the rest of my week. I have my second meeting for my dance class (this one an actual university course structured around modern and contemporary styles), a meeting with my thesis advisor (who I haven't spoken in person with since last year), and a performance for a Chinese New Year banquet. And then next week, apparently Columbia is hosting an all-Ivy environmental career fair, so I intend to figure out how to get there and hopefully have a better idea of what I want to do after I graduate. *sigh*
I guess this is how I cope with disappointment. I simply keep my eyes forward and distract myself with optimism. That, or just sleep it off.
I'm just disappointed. Not with my collaborators (they were actually amazing and entertaining!), but with myself. I had a vision, and my choreography reflects that, but due to 1) my limited/awkward dancing ability; 2) lack of self-confidence; and 3) my naturally shy disposition; I forgot so much of the choreo and essentially did not "feel" the music. So what I had envisioned never came to fruition, and it came across as a nervous wreck, a series of jutting moves and misplaced timing. Of course, there are roughly six weeks until the actual show, so there is plenty of time for improvement. But I just fear that instead of garnering enthusiasm for my piece, it drew questioning stares... and doubts... and grimacing faces.
But with all that behind me now, I can look forward to the rest of my week. I have my second meeting for my dance class (this one an actual university course structured around modern and contemporary styles), a meeting with my thesis advisor (who I haven't spoken in person with since last year), and a performance for a Chinese New Year banquet. And then next week, apparently Columbia is hosting an all-Ivy environmental career fair, so I intend to figure out how to get there and hopefully have a better idea of what I want to do after I graduate. *sigh*
I guess this is how I cope with disappointment. I simply keep my eyes forward and distract myself with optimism. That, or just sleep it off.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Artsy
First day of classes for the spring semester. I couldn't have imagined a sweeter schedule: only 2 classes, and they're about music and dance. My earliest class is at 12:30PM, so something is definitely wrong if I don't get enough sleep each day. I've also never been much of a breakfast person, so waking up to a hearty lunch is mighty fine with me.
I also came across the following quote from someone else's blog:
"Things work out for the better. It always happens."
At the moment, this is pretty much my outlook on life. It has been a challenging 3 and a half years here at university, and things haven't always gone the way I had expected. It was a painful realization coming out of high school, where hard work always paid off and kept a smile on my face. I knew that college wouldn't be easy, and maybe it was just unfortunate that I arrived here unprepared. But amidst the merriment and friendships that I still regard as blessings, I found myself trying to cope with many more disappointments than successes. I'm not in the mood to enumerate those events, but I am now reflecting on how those obstacles have shaped who I am today. I am wiser, stronger, and more soulful.
I still wholeheartedly believe that good things have yet to arrive. Waiting, wishing, creating.
I also came across the following quote from someone else's blog:
"Things work out for the better. It always happens."
At the moment, this is pretty much my outlook on life. It has been a challenging 3 and a half years here at university, and things haven't always gone the way I had expected. It was a painful realization coming out of high school, where hard work always paid off and kept a smile on my face. I knew that college wouldn't be easy, and maybe it was just unfortunate that I arrived here unprepared. But amidst the merriment and friendships that I still regard as blessings, I found myself trying to cope with many more disappointments than successes. I'm not in the mood to enumerate those events, but I am now reflecting on how those obstacles have shaped who I am today. I am wiser, stronger, and more soulful.
I still wholeheartedly believe that good things have yet to arrive. Waiting, wishing, creating.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Why Am I Blogging?
Finally!! My first post, and all of my exams are finished!!! It was a grueling month, and I'm surprised I made it out alive and in good health. I arrived back on campus after the New Year's holiday, and had paper after paper due until Dean's Date, at which point my nearly 2-week exam period kicked into gear. I've never had such an exhausting finals month, and I'm a bit sad to say it will probably be my last time experiencing such an academic frenzy. It was also so much fun spending time with my Panama buddy, Jeanie. We studied for our neuroscience final like confused crazies. My last semester this spring will be the lightest schedule I've had, so I should have plenty of time to work on my senior thesis. (But I shall not speak of that onerous monster.)
So, now I have an entire week off until the new semester, and I'm hoping to make the most of it. This has been my goal since freshman year, and I never accomplish it, but this year will be different :) A great 2008!!!
Back to the original topic of this post, I realized that YouTube is so much more enjoyable when you actively engage with other vloggers, hence my attempt at creating videos. But I'm still camera-shy and not sure how to make a video interesting, so a lot of my thoughts and ideas never manifest themselves properly. I figured that this written blog would be an appropriate substitute for all the mundane things I want to discuss. If anything, it serves as a journal that I can look back upon one day and cackle with delight. Also, I feel that very few people in my life actually know much about me. Even around my closest friends, I'm naturally quiet and reserved. So this will hopefully be an adventure for everyone reading this blog, myself included.
So, now I have an entire week off until the new semester, and I'm hoping to make the most of it. This has been my goal since freshman year, and I never accomplish it, but this year will be different :) A great 2008!!!
Back to the original topic of this post, I realized that YouTube is so much more enjoyable when you actively engage with other vloggers, hence my attempt at creating videos. But I'm still camera-shy and not sure how to make a video interesting, so a lot of my thoughts and ideas never manifest themselves properly. I figured that this written blog would be an appropriate substitute for all the mundane things I want to discuss. If anything, it serves as a journal that I can look back upon one day and cackle with delight. Also, I feel that very few people in my life actually know much about me. Even around my closest friends, I'm naturally quiet and reserved. So this will hopefully be an adventure for everyone reading this blog, myself included.
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