Le Sigh

It's so painful. I can't get over Z no matter how hard I try. I fell for him, but at the time, I was still struggling with countless issues that I was the coldest ice demon there ever was. Every advance he made, I retreated twice as boldly. That sort of chase couldn't go on forever, and as it was, he left. But he never left my heart.

To this day, I still wonder why I'm still so strongly attached to him. He made me believe that perhaps I was just desperate for any type of love, so had it been any other guy I would have fallen just as hard. He made me believe that I was just lonely and alone, and I only craved the friendship that had taken a backseat in my life. Pieces of that picture are true, but after nearly nine months of heart-aching and frustration, I know that I still love him. And it's all types of love of various shapes and sizes. I try so hard to find a Facebook picture where he isn't the most adorable thing ever. I try so hard to erase the kiss he planted on my cheek (in the worst possible scenario imaginable, btw). I try oh so hard to move on, but I find myself comparing everyone I meet to the excitement that only Z could elicit. His intellect was infectious, but I was still donning my hospital scrubs that I never let myself catch it.

But I also see how happy he is with W. Perhaps I really was just the "rebound" guy who happened to get caught into this mess. Regardless, I'm eternally thankful for having met Z, for I've never loved myself as much as I do now, even in this depressive, dare-I-say suicidal state. I know, the bitter irony. It just sucks that now that I am comfortable in my own skin, I've left the social networking possibilities of collegiate life. Once again, too little too late.

I guess this is all just a segue into possibly liking someone again. That analytic region of my brain starts sending/receiving signals every which way, and now I'm back to where I was months ago... comparing and becoming disappointed that it's just not the same. Why are things so complicated, or am I just making them that way? I'm having trouble focusing on my career, but with the flooding of emotions, I can't find the higher ground.

I swear I'll post more uplifting things in the future. It's just adjfkaldjkldask right now.