Before the Sun Rises

EDIT: why am I so good at being emo?

It's that time of the month again, when all my insecurities resurface and I feel like having a crying marathon. What do I do? I'm slowly revealing more of my personality to my friends, trying to regain the happiness in life, but in the process I only look at myself with greater disgust. New highs ushering in deeper lows.

I feel like a failure in every way.

No one can convince me otherwise. I'll just nod and smile.

I know I shouldn't put this out here, as it has become apparent that soooo many of you secretly read this, but I've had too many thoughts about putting the period at the end of my sentence. But always, always, always... I think of my mom, her love and her sacrifices, and I just can't. I love her too much. Wow, a deluge of tears just trying to write this.

Right now, I'm in no condition to share my life with someone new, as much as my heart wants to. I thought I loved myself again, but I'm not so sure anymore. I also don't need to be dragging anyone else down with me. Would you be better off without me?

I'm forever unemployed. How can I possibly present myself to an employer when I feel unqualified and undesirable for everything? Can I just go back to working at Cold Stone's, where I can at least start paying back a small portion of my student loans, or would that be the newest low for my Ivy league degree? I'd love to show up at Reunions with that one.

And goshhhh people, stop asking if I'm going to be a doctor. I'm never going to be, and why must you all keep using that as a measure of my success?

What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?
What am I doing with my life?

Even dance, the one thing that has kept me sane, is starting to lose its luster. Why I'm still pursuing it is beyond me.

And now, someone from my painful past is talking to me again. Why now? Why 11 months later after making me feel like the worst person in the world, when I had no one else to turn to, when answers never came and they still haven't??

Maybe I deserve all of this because my entire childhood has been picture perfect. Sure, I never had a father around, but my mother more than compensated for that. I was the model son, student, person. I never had enemies. I was ridiculously happy. Maybe no one deserves such a good life. Or maybe I just never learned how to deal with the unhappy because I never encountered it.

So.
Well.
I don't know what else to say. Everyone has problems, why don't I just fix them you're probably thinking... 'oh boo hoo'... 'you whine too much'... 'that's a losing attitude.'

If any other Princetonian feels the same way I do, I would love to meet you. Or do I already know you?