Random Collision

I was reminded today of life's mysterious encounters. We all occupy a space in time, and when we collide, you can't help but wonder who or what may be orchestrating that ensemble.

Just a few of those events. I was on my way to meet with my adviser/advisor (gah! I don't know which spelling is correct), and instead of taking the usual staircase upwards, I went up the one closer to the side of the dinosaur's behind. When I reached the appropriate hallway, I peered into one of the adjoining labs and saw Helmae! busy at work with a gel photograph in her hand. And I just spoke to Annika last night, even though I hardly log onto Adium/AIM anymore!

Afterwards, I headed to Fine library, and then to the eerie Geosciences one, and then saw Joyce! I'm not even sure how we met, it was definitely before Psych 101 my freshman year, maybe even during pre-frosh weekend. Oh, the pre-frosh memories with Dan, and my Newman's-day-celebrating host. Haha.

And then in the elevator, I guess I was daydreaming because I let the elevator doors crush some poor woman as she was trying to get on. I'm sorry. I didn't even think about what you were trying to do, or that the "keep open" button was right in front of me.

Then on my way back to my room, I noticed some guy putting up posters in front of Patton on the Whitman sidewalk. It wasn't the first time I've seen him, and for some reason I find him so fascinating. It was awkward when I started staring a bit too long, and he seemed to be cognizant of it. At least it wasn't as bad as the time I saw him in Frist, 2nd floor, where we definitely had a staring thing going on. The worst part is not knowing who he is. So mysterious.

Finally, I had an unexpected visitor today, as if to consummate this day of happenstance. A junior, I assume, had selected my dorm room during room draw, and he just stopped by to take a look at it. Normally, my room is so neat it is boring, but today it was a wild mess... a hot mess even? haha, just kidding. I'm never going to say that again! EWW! But it definitely had a lot more character, just the perfect touch of homeliness without screaming u-g-l-y. Stitch happened to be sleeping on my pillow, so I hope he didn't take notice of that.

Happy Feet

I never thought I would make a blog about relationship-type issues, but I suppose this is also relevant to any human encounters we make in our lifetimes. A personal fault that I have come to realize is my quest for other people's happiness even at the expense of my own. This utilitarian approach is becoming burdensome, and what is most unsettling is that I don't have the resolve to change. I always aim to please because I cannot stand the feeling of being responsible for someone else's sadness, disappointment, anger, whatever. One could also say that I am too self-conscious of others' opinions and criticisms, so in that sense I appease the masses because it means less negativity directed my way.

I became particularly aware of harsh criticism this past weekend when my dance group held our spring auditions. Upon discussing who to admit, our members were brutally honest, which was necessary but also discomforting. It reminded me of all my failed pursuits at this university, where everything seems to be a competition. And with all the talent concentrated on one small campus, the competition is fierce. Academically, of course, but even socially with the eating club institutions. I apologize for the despondent tone, but it's just the reality. And when I graduate and enter the pool of job applicants, will I stay afloat?

I'm guessing that the answer is yes, but my future is still muddled up in uncertainty.

Love = Love

Happy Valentine's Day! (I meant to post this earlier, but I never got around to finishing it :P)

My Valentine's was interesting to say the least. I will just say it was my favorite ever.

One of the great things about my dance class is that it forces me to make time for live performances and shows that I would have wanted to see but never considered a worthy chunk of time in my crazy schedule. So on Wednesday night, I saw the Oscar-famous dance troupe Pilobolus. They were absolutely amazing! The control, the strength, the creative motions. They even have a sense of humor, especially a fun slip-and-slide ending. And to top it all off, the following day during dance class, we had a special guest: Renee, the rehearsal director for Pilobolus! She guided us through several exercises, like moving through space (or more like an intense cardio workout!), connecting in partnerships, leading/following, and exploring our infinite options. It was all so much fun!!

ChoreOh No

I'm about to go to sleep, but I figured I should get this out of my head already. So this evening, my dance group showcased our ideas for pieces for our upcoming spring show. My contribution was a "mini-piece" to fit within someone else's. Briefly, the piece as a whole is centered around a student listening to an iPod, and daydreaming and switching different tracks on his or her device.

I'm just disappointed. Not with my collaborators (they were actually amazing and entertaining!), but with myself. I had a vision, and my choreography reflects that, but due to 1) my limited/awkward dancing ability; 2) lack of self-confidence; and 3) my naturally shy disposition; I forgot so much of the choreo and essentially did not "feel" the music. So what I had envisioned never came to fruition, and it came across as a nervous wreck, a series of jutting moves and misplaced timing. Of course, there are roughly six weeks until the actual show, so there is plenty of time for improvement. But I just fear that instead of garnering enthusiasm for my piece, it drew questioning stares... and doubts... and grimacing faces.

But with all that behind me now, I can look forward to the rest of my week. I have my second meeting for my dance class (this one an actual university course structured around modern and contemporary styles), a meeting with my thesis advisor (who I haven't spoken in person with since last year), and a performance for a Chinese New Year banquet. And then next week, apparently Columbia is hosting an all-Ivy environmental career fair, so I intend to figure out how to get there and hopefully have a better idea of what I want to do after I graduate. *sigh*

I guess this is how I cope with disappointment. I simply keep my eyes forward and distract myself with optimism. That, or just sleep it off.

Artsy

First day of classes for the spring semester. I couldn't have imagined a sweeter schedule: only 2 classes, and they're about music and dance. My earliest class is at 12:30PM, so something is definitely wrong if I don't get enough sleep each day. I've also never been much of a breakfast person, so waking up to a hearty lunch is mighty fine with me.

I also came across the following quote from someone else's blog:

"Things work out for the better. It always happens."

At the moment, this is pretty much my outlook on life. It has been a challenging 3 and a half years here at university, and things haven't always gone the way I had expected. It was a painful realization coming out of high school, where hard work always paid off and kept a smile on my face. I knew that college wouldn't be easy, and maybe it was just unfortunate that I arrived here unprepared. But amidst the merriment and friendships that I still regard as blessings, I found myself trying to cope with many more disappointments than successes. I'm not in the mood to enumerate those events, but I am now reflecting on how those obstacles have shaped who I am today. I am wiser, stronger, and more soulful.

I still wholeheartedly believe that good things have yet to arrive. Waiting, wishing, creating.