It's so painful. I can't get over Z no matter how hard I try. I fell for him, but at the time, I was still struggling with countless issues that I was the coldest ice demon there ever was. Every advance he made, I retreated twice as boldly. That sort of chase couldn't go on forever, and as it was, he left. But he never left my heart.
To this day, I still wonder why I'm still so strongly attached to him. He made me believe that perhaps I was just desperate for any type of love, so had it been any other guy I would have fallen just as hard. He made me believe that I was just lonely and alone, and I only craved the friendship that had taken a backseat in my life. Pieces of that picture are true, but after nearly nine months of heart-aching and frustration, I know that I still love him. And it's all types of love of various shapes and sizes. I try so hard to find a Facebook picture where he isn't the most adorable thing ever. I try so hard to erase the kiss he planted on my cheek (in the worst possible scenario imaginable, btw). I try oh so hard to move on, but I find myself comparing everyone I meet to the excitement that only Z could elicit. His intellect was infectious, but I was still donning my hospital scrubs that I never let myself catch it.
But I also see how happy he is with W. Perhaps I really was just the "rebound" guy who happened to get caught into this mess. Regardless, I'm eternally thankful for having met Z, for I've never loved myself as much as I do now, even in this depressive, dare-I-say suicidal state. I know, the bitter irony. It just sucks that now that I am comfortable in my own skin, I've left the social networking possibilities of collegiate life. Once again, too little too late.
I guess this is all just a segue into possibly liking someone again. That analytic region of my brain starts sending/receiving signals every which way, and now I'm back to where I was months ago... comparing and becoming disappointed that it's just not the same. Why are things so complicated, or am I just making them that way? I'm having trouble focusing on my career, but with the flooding of emotions, I can't find the higher ground.
I swear I'll post more uplifting things in the future. It's just adjfkaldjkldask right now.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Public?
I'm debating whether or not to make this blog public. And by public, I mean making it known to everyone that knows me through Facebook. Princeton is for the most part over, so I'm no longer as inhibited. But there are of course many people who I'd rather not disclose this blog to, and if I could pick and choose that would be ideal, but I don't think it matters anymore. In fact, I could chop off my limbs and still count the number of people who actually care about me. And then there are high school friends, most (if not every one of them) I truly regret losing touch with. I didn't think being a whole country away would be an issue, but I seemed to have isolated myself from the very friends that cared for me the most. I mean, who would make you a princess story picturebook with pressable, musical buttons? Real friends, unconditional friends. Friends. Period. Finally, there's the small trickle of recent high school grads who are excitedly embracing the magic of Facebook for the first time. These are mostly my sister's friends, and no doubt my sister will soon be clicking her friend invite my way.
In other words, many people will probably stumble upon this blog. Some will be appalled, some will be sympathetic, some will cringe, some will laugh (in good and bad ways). Many will think it's sad and pathetic. Some will think it's so stupid, like why would I expose myself so vulnerably? I might even lose friends. But who knows, maybe someone will actually want to read more. If that's YOU, please comment or message or something of the sort ^_^ please plz plz. Also, I apologize in advance for anyone's names that appear in previous entries... I only used first names (I think) so I guess you're still somewhat anonymous??
I'm mostly afraid that people that I once thought were friends will be disgusted at what really goes on in my head. Four years ago, my life seemed on track and honestly honestly I smiled all the time. Now, I think I'm sick, need help, and all that morbid junk. "Who is that sad person?" asked Nigel (bald guy from The Devil Wears Prada). That, sir, would be me.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect.
Oh my, did I really just make those references?
But really, before any of you worry... I still have so much love to give. I'm not giving up. I'm still the same ol' amazing Antz. It's just another obstacle to prove why I've made it this far :)
In other words, many people will probably stumble upon this blog. Some will be appalled, some will be sympathetic, some will cringe, some will laugh (in good and bad ways). Many will think it's sad and pathetic. Some will think it's so stupid, like why would I expose myself so vulnerably? I might even lose friends. But who knows, maybe someone will actually want to read more. If that's YOU, please comment or message or something of the sort ^_^ please plz plz. Also, I apologize in advance for anyone's names that appear in previous entries... I only used first names (I think) so I guess you're still somewhat anonymous??
I'm mostly afraid that people that I once thought were friends will be disgusted at what really goes on in my head. Four years ago, my life seemed on track and honestly honestly I smiled all the time. Now, I think I'm sick, need help, and all that morbid junk. "Who is that sad person?" asked Nigel (bald guy from The Devil Wears Prada). That, sir, would be me.
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect.
Oh my, did I really just make those references?
But really, before any of you worry... I still have so much love to give. I'm not giving up. I'm still the same ol' amazing Antz. It's just another obstacle to prove why I've made it this far :)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Stickies. Unedited.
June 19:
"Omg this is so embarrassing. So many pretty girls everywhere with so much talent. And no doubt that the few guys are really really good. Why is this so hard? That viewing area is so tiny too! How the f am I going to pretend like I belong there? Act like I'm waiting ar4ound for someone? But then what if someone asks me who I'm waiting for?? Then what?? Aaaaah.... so awkward so awkward. And these people look really good and intimidating. Gaaaahh omg omg what do I do? I'm so lame, I.'m pretending that I'm occupied when all I want to do is watch what's going on inside. Geeeeez, if it's so hard now, no wonder I couldn't do this eight years ago. Is it really worth pursuing anymore?"
June 22:
"I'm sitting atop a rock after being kicked off the swing by a fricken kid. Lol. Kids are such brats. I don't know when I'll ever want one of my own. So many people swarm the basketball courts it's crazy. I also saw two people together that made me really sick, like just too cute it was sickening kind of cute. And now there's a girl that climbed atop the rock next to me, omg little girl go away. Sigh, I'm missing so much in my life. I still remember someone's words, that I'm anything but bad, and I shouldn't let anybody make me believe otherwise. But damn, I'm so persuasive."
"Omg this is so embarrassing. So many pretty girls everywhere with so much talent. And no doubt that the few guys are really really good. Why is this so hard? That viewing area is so tiny too! How the f am I going to pretend like I belong there? Act like I'm waiting ar4ound for someone? But then what if someone asks me who I'm waiting for?? Then what?? Aaaaah.... so awkward so awkward. And these people look really good and intimidating. Gaaaahh omg omg what do I do? I'm so lame, I.'m pretending that I'm occupied when all I want to do is watch what's going on inside. Geeeeez, if it's so hard now, no wonder I couldn't do this eight years ago. Is it really worth pursuing anymore?"
June 22:
"I'm sitting atop a rock after being kicked off the swing by a fricken kid. Lol. Kids are such brats. I don't know when I'll ever want one of my own. So many people swarm the basketball courts it's crazy. I also saw two people together that made me really sick, like just too cute it was sickening kind of cute. And now there's a girl that climbed atop the rock next to me, omg little girl go away. Sigh, I'm missing so much in my life. I still remember someone's words, that I'm anything but bad, and I shouldn't let anybody make me believe otherwise. But damn, I'm so persuasive."
Friday, June 20, 2008
Brr. Yabba Dabba. Scooby.
I said brr. It's cold in here.
There must be some ice cream in the atmosphere.
I said Brr.. it's cold in here.
We thank you for your dollar and here's our cheer:
We go O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
Coldstone, we're the Cold Stones.
We're a super-duper family.
When you fill the tip jar,
We will sing in perfect harmony!
Dollar dollar bill, where are you?
We need some dollar bills now.
There must be some ice cream in the atmosphere.
I said Brr.. it's cold in here.
We thank you for your dollar and here's our cheer:
We go O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
O-RE-O-RE-O.. ice ice cream.
Coldstone, we're the Cold Stones.
We're a super-duper family.
When you fill the tip jar,
We will sing in perfect harmony!
Dollar dollar bill, where are you?
We need some dollar bills now.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
6° and Hate
Wow, it's been a while since I made a post, and so much has happened since then.
The biggest thing: my graduation. I can't fully describe all of the emotions that engulfed me that week. Like I have always said, it was an enormous privilege to study among the best minds in the world, and I am grateful for the opportunity. So many friends, so many experiences, so many memories. The best damn place of all.
I guess I should also mention the 678 gathering that took place one week ago. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go, especially with the whole internet awkwardness, but I went anyway. It was also the premiere of the live auditions for ABDC, so I ended up getting to the beach really late. I stumbled upon the group, and it was way more awkward than I had anticipated. However, it turns out that Drake actually went to my elementary school, though we had never met back then. You could say that it balanced out the awkwardness. I officially solidified my creepy status.
And now to the central topic of this post... the infamous hater.
When I first started watching people vlog, it became apparent that the more subscribers one acquired, the greater the number of hater comments. Their advice was always along the lines of not letting the hate get to you.
Well, I just received my first hate comment on one of my videos. At first, I was hurt. It was painful knowing that someone went out of their pathetic way to spread their disdain for life. But of course, I shrugged it off.. blocked and deleted. At the same time, I had noticed an influx of new subscribers. Where were you all coming from? And then I watched Jared's video, and then I learned that his compliment collab got globally featured. Yay and oh no! It was a well-deserved feature because there just isn't enough good around YouTube. But apparently, all of the haters out there were overloaded with all the compliments that their brains exploded. The result: hate everywhere.
I am a little embarrassed at having my little segment in there. (Especially being at the very beginning of the video!) I'm thankful that Jared cut out the last six words of my sentence. Otherwise, I would have to hide my face forever. All the while I kept thinking, "Oh my, please don't let _____ see this!" Nobody really knows that I write these blogs or make those random videos on YouTube, but I definitely did not want them to discover me this way. It's permanently out there in the public now isn't it?
If you're reading this, I assume you're a subscriber, so thank you for choosing to watch my channel. I appreciate all of your comments, and I hope I don't weird you out too much. I'm just being me.
The biggest thing: my graduation. I can't fully describe all of the emotions that engulfed me that week. Like I have always said, it was an enormous privilege to study among the best minds in the world, and I am grateful for the opportunity. So many friends, so many experiences, so many memories. The best damn place of all.
I guess I should also mention the 678 gathering that took place one week ago. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go, especially with the whole internet awkwardness, but I went anyway. It was also the premiere of the live auditions for ABDC, so I ended up getting to the beach really late. I stumbled upon the group, and it was way more awkward than I had anticipated. However, it turns out that Drake actually went to my elementary school, though we had never met back then. You could say that it balanced out the awkwardness. I officially solidified my creepy status.
And now to the central topic of this post... the infamous hater.
When I first started watching people vlog, it became apparent that the more subscribers one acquired, the greater the number of hater comments. Their advice was always along the lines of not letting the hate get to you.
Well, I just received my first hate comment on one of my videos. At first, I was hurt. It was painful knowing that someone went out of their pathetic way to spread their disdain for life. But of course, I shrugged it off.. blocked and deleted. At the same time, I had noticed an influx of new subscribers. Where were you all coming from? And then I watched Jared's video, and then I learned that his compliment collab got globally featured. Yay and oh no! It was a well-deserved feature because there just isn't enough good around YouTube. But apparently, all of the haters out there were overloaded with all the compliments that their brains exploded. The result: hate everywhere.
I am a little embarrassed at having my little segment in there. (Especially being at the very beginning of the video!) I'm thankful that Jared cut out the last six words of my sentence. Otherwise, I would have to hide my face forever. All the while I kept thinking, "Oh my, please don't let _____ see this!" Nobody really knows that I write these blogs or make those random videos on YouTube, but I definitely did not want them to discover me this way. It's permanently out there in the public now isn't it?
If you're reading this, I assume you're a subscriber, so thank you for choosing to watch my channel. I appreciate all of your comments, and I hope I don't weird you out too much. I'm just being me.
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